In 1967, John Lennon wrote a song called, "All You Demand Is Honey." He as well shell both of his wives, abased 1 of his children, verbally abused his gay Jewish manager with homophobic and anti-semitic slurs, and once had a camera coiffure picture show him lying naked in his bed for an entire day.

30-5 years subsequently, Trent Reznor from Nine Inch Nails wrote a vocal chosen "Dear Is Non Plenty." Reznor, despite being famous for his shocking phase performances and his grotesque and disturbing videos, got make clean from all drugs and alcohol, married one woman, had 2 children with her, and then canceled entire albums and tours so that he could stay home and be a expert husband and father.

I of these two men had a clear and realistic understanding of love. One of them did not. One of these men arcadian love as the solution to all of his problems. Ane of them did non. One of these men was probably a narcissistic asshole. One of them was not.

In our civilisation, many of united states idealize love. We meet it as some lofty cure-all for all of life's issues. Our movies and our stories and our history all celebrate information technology as life'south ultimate goal, the terminal solution for all of our pain and struggle. And because we idealize love, we overestimate it. As a event, our relationships pay a toll.

When we believe that "all we need is honey," so like Lennon, nosotros're more than probable to ignore fundamental values such equally respect, humility, and commitment towards the people nosotros care nearly. Later on all, if love solves everything, then why carp with all the other stuff—all of the hard stuff?

But if, similar Reznor, nosotros believe that "love is not enough," then nosotros sympathise that healthy relationships require more pure emotion or lofty passions. Nosotros understand that at that place are things more important in our lives and our relationships than merely beingness in dear. And the success of our relationships hinges on these deeper and more than important values.

The problem with idealizing dearest is that it causes us to develop unrealistic expectations about what love actually is and what it tin can practice for us. These unrealistic expectations then sabotage the very relationships we hold dear in the first place.

Permit me to illustrate:

1. Honey Does Not Equal Compatibility

Just because yous fall in love with someone doesn't necessarily mean they're a good partner for you to be with over the long term. Love is an emotional procedure. Compatibility is a logical procedure. And the two don't bleed into one another very well.

It's possible to fall in dearest with somebody who doesn't treat u.s. well, who makes us feel worse most ourselves, who doesn't hold the same respect for the states as we exercise for them, or who has such a dysfunctional life themselves that they threaten to bring the states down with them.

Abstract painting love is not enough

It's possible to fall in dearest with somebody who has unlike ambitions or life goals that are contradictory to our ain, who holds unlike philosophical beliefs or worldviews that clash with our ain sense of reality.

Information technology's possible to fall in beloved with somebody who sucks for us and our happiness.

That may audio paradoxical, just information technology's true.

When I think of all of the disastrous relationships I've seen or people accept emailed me about, many (or most) of them were entered into on the basis of emotion—they felt that "spark" and so they but pigeon in head offset. Forget that he was a born-over again Christian alcoholic and she was an acid-dropping bisexual necrophiliac. Information technology just felt right.

And and so 6 months after, when she's throwing his shit out onto the backyard and he's praying to Jesus twelve times a mean solar day for her salvation, they wait around and wonder, "Gee, where did it become wrong?"

The truth is, it went wrong before it even began.

When dating and looking for a partner, you lot must use not just your heart, but your mind. Yes, you want to find someone who makes your eye palpitate and your farts smell similar cherry popsicles. But yous as well need to evaluate a person's values, how they treat themselves, how they treat those close to them, their ambitions, and their worldviews in general.

Considering if y'all fall in love with someone who is incompatible with you… well, as the ski instructor from Due south Park one time said, you lot're going to have a bad time.

2. Love Does Not Solve Your Relationship Problems

My first girlfriend and I were madly in dear with each other. Nosotros likewise lived in unlike cities, had no coin to see each other, had families who hated each other, and went through weekly bouts of meaningless drama and fighting.

Man and woman kissing love is not enough

And every time nosotros fought, we'd come back to each other the next 24-hour interval and brand up and remind each other how crazy we were virtually ane another and that none of those little things thing because we're omg sooooooo in love and we'll find a fashion to work it out and everything will be great, but you wait and run across. Our dear made us feel like we were overcoming our issues, when on a practical level, admittedly nothing had changed.

Every bit you can imagine, none of our problems got resolved. The fights repeated themselves. The arguments got worse. Our inability to ever see each other hung effectually our necks like an albatross. We were both self-absorbed to the indicate where we couldn't even communicate that finer. Hours and hours talking on the phone with nothing actually said. Looking back, at that place was no hope that it was going to terminal. However we kept it up for three fucking years!

After all, beloved conquers all, correct?

Unsurprisingly, that human relationship burst into flames and crashed like the Hindenburg into an oil patch. The break upwardly was ugly. And the big lesson I took abroad from it was this:

This is how a toxic relationship works. The roller coaster of emotions is exhilarant, each loftier feeling even more important and more valid than the one earlier, but unless in that location's a stable and practical foundation beneath your feet, that rise tide of emotion will eventually come and wash it all away.

three. Dearest Is Non Ever Worth Sacrificing Yourself For

One of the defining characteristics of loving someone is that you are able to call up exterior of yourself and your ain needs to assistance care for another person and their needs besides.

But the question that doesn't get asked frequently enough is exactly what are you sacrificing, and is it worth it?

Sad girl realizing that love is not enough

In loving relationships, it'south normal for both people to occasionally sacrifice their own desires, their own needs, and their ain time for one another. I would argue that this is normal and salubrious and a large part of what makes a relationship so smashing.

But when it comes to sacrificing one'southward self-respect, one's dignity, one'due south physical body, i's ambitions and life purpose, just to be with someone, then that aforementioned love becomes problematic. A loving relationship is supposed to supplement our private identity, not damage information technology or replace it.

If we find ourselves in situations where we're tolerating disrespectful or calumniating beliefs, then that'south essentially what we're doing: nosotros're assuasive our love to consume us and negate us, and if nosotros're not conscientious, it will leave us a shell of the person nosotros in one case were.

One of the oldest pieces of human relationship communication in the book is, "You and your partner should be best friends." Almost people look at that piece of advice in the positive: I should spend time with my partner similar I do with my all-time friend, I should communicate openly with my partner like I practise with my best friend, I should have fun with my partner like I do with my best friend.

Only people should besides look at it in the negative:

Amazingly, when we enquire ourselves this question honestly, in most unhealthy and codependent relationships, the answer is "no."

I know a young woman who simply got married. She was madly in love with her married man. And despite the fact that he had been "between jobs" for more than than a year, showed no interest in planning the wedding, often ditched her to take surfing trips with his friends, and her friends and family raised not-so-subtle concerns nigh him, she happily married him anyhow.

Merely once the emotional high of the wedding wore off, reality gear up in. A twelvemonth into their marriage, he's still "between jobs," he trashes the house while she's at work, gets aroused if she doesn't cook dinner for him, and any fourth dimension she complains he tells her that she's "spoiled" and "arrogant." Oh, and he still ditches her to accept surfing trips with his friends.

And she got into this situation because she ignored all 3 of the harsh truths above. She arcadian honey. Despite being slapped in the face by all of the scarlet flags he raised while dating him, she believed that their dear signaled human relationship compatibility. It didn't. When her friends and family raised concerns leading upwards to the hymeneals, she believed that their dearest would solve their issues somewhen. It didn't. And now that everything had fallen into a steaming shit heap, she approached her friends for advice on how she could sacrifice herself even more to make it work.

And the truth is, it won't.

Why do nosotros tolerate behavior in our romantic relationships that we would never ever, ever tolerate in our friendships?

Imagine if your best friend moved in with you, trashed your identify, refused to get a chore or pay rent, demanded you cook dinner for them, and got angry and yelled at yous any fourth dimension you complained. That friendship would exist over faster than Paris Hilton'southward acting career.

Or another situation: a man's girlfriend who was then jealous that she demanded passwords to all of his accounts and insisted on accompanying him on his business organization trips to brand certain he wasn't tempted past other women. This woman was like the NSA. His life was practically under 24/seven surveillance and you could run across information technology wearing on his self-esteem. His cocky-worth dropped to cipher. She didn't trust him to do anything. So he quit trusting himself to exercise annihilation.

Nonetheless he stays with her! Why? Because he's in dear!

Remember this:

Yous tin autumn in love with a wide variety of people throughout the course of your life. You tin fall in love with people who are good for you and people who are bad for you. Yous can fall in love in healthy ways and unhealthy ways. Yous can fall in love when you lot're young and when you're old. Love is non unique. Love is not special. Love is non scarce.

Simply your self-respect is. Then is your dignity. So is your power to trust. There can potentially exist many loves throughout your life, but once you lose your self-respect, your dignity or your ability to trust, they are very difficult to get dorsum.

Love is a wonderful feel. It's one of the greatest experiences life has to offer. And information technology is something everyone should aspire to experience and savor.

Simply like any other experience, it tin be healthy or unhealthy. Like any other experience, it cannot be allowed to define us, our identities, or our life purpose. We cannot permit it consume us. Nosotros cannot sacrifice our identities and self-worth to information technology. Because the moment nosotros do that, we lose love and we lose ourselves.

Considering y'all demand more in life than honey. Love is great. Dearest is necessary. Love is beautiful. But beloved is not enough.